Write a comment"Comedy equals tragedy plus time."
I've always heard it attributed to Mel Brooks. After some cursory research, it appears to be Steve Allen. Regardless of the origins, the quote remains accurate. Many tragedies in my life, given time, are actually pretty funny.
A couple of days before Christmas in 2020, my mother called me while I was at work. In the short time since I left home, my mother and sister had taken our dog Sophie to the veterinarian. Sophie was not doing well. My mother was devastated and asked what I thought she should do.
The people at the office had suggested that Sophie be taken into like an old folks' home for dogs. Problem was, because it was during COVID, my mother could only visit her maybe once a week. The vet told my mother she wasn't sure if Sophie would make it overnight. I told my mother it was probably for the best if she stayed with Sophie instead of her potentially dying alone.
My mother cried. She didn't understand why this was happening, especially right before Christmas. Sophie was her dog, always right by her side. She had even bought presents for Sophie in anticipation of Christmas. Through tears, my mother asked me if I would bury her. I told her, "Of course. I'll take care of everything. Don't worry."
After I hung up the phone, I sat in an empty room and gave myself the opportunity to cry. Once I composed myself, I spoke to my supervisor, asking if I could go home early and explained why. My supervisor at the time was the type that believed no one else's problems were as important as his own. He gave me a line of nonsense about how he'd have to pick up my area and how he wanted to go home but now he might not be able to because I had to go home and attend to a dead dog. Eventually, he relented, allowing me to leave.
It had begun to snow. That heavy lake effect snow, the kind that dampens sound making everything eerily quiet. I walked into my mother's house and she was still crying. I started crying, then my sister. Eventually, we were all a mess. After a moment or so, I asked, "So, is she down in the workshop?"
(The workshop is on the backside of our home. It is cool and mostly dry. If you were storing a dog carcass prior to burial, you could do a lot worse.)
My mother, through tears, says, "No, she's still in my car."
"What do you...she's still in the car," I asked.
"I couldn't...I couldn't move her, Adam."
She started crying again. I told her it was okay and I went outside to check the car. The snow was coming down pretty hard at that point. No wind, quiet. I opened the door and they had Sophie in a medical waste bag. I cried some more and brought her to the workshop. It all felt weird.
The plan was to bury her the next day. I woke up the next morning and it was still snowing. The path I made to the workshop the previous evening had been fully covered with snow. My mother wanted to prepare Sophie for burial so I brought Sophie on the deck. My mother put Sophie in a box with a few of her toys and wrapped the box.
The snow had gotten worse. My mother said a few prayers and my sister and I stood to the side, crying. After my mother was done, my sister said a few words and the two of them went inside. I told my mother not to worry and I'd be in when I was done. She thanked me, still truly devastated.
I picked up the box and went down the deck stairs as carefully as I could. It was the exact temperature where the snow was melting and freezing as soon as it hit the ground. As I got to the bottom step, the snow I had been trampling on in all the preparation had turned to a solid piece of ice. I didn't realize this, more focused on not dropping the makeshift cardboard coffin.
I stepped and my foot touched the ice. My weight shifted as I went to take another step, but my foot kept going. My right leg continued forward while my left stayed in place. I managed to do a mini-version of the splits for a brief moment before the seat of my jeans split entirely.
Instinctively, I went to grab the railing. As I was already in motion, my hand gripped the wood, sliding my hand down and several splinters pierced my palm. My other hand, which was holding Sophie, opened. I fell on my right side and rolled slightly down the hill.
The box with Sophie hit the ice and, due to the fact we have a slight hill in our yard, she went for one last ride. Thankfully, she didn't crash into the fence. Instead, the box settled near where I had started digging.
After I was finished, I went up the deck stairs and inside. I walked through the living room and into the bathroom. I was soaked, cold and in a relative amount of pain. I didn't mention any of this to my mother immediately as she was still grieving pretty heavily.
A couple of weeks later, my mother said to me, "What happened to that nice pair of jeans?"
I told her what happened. The slip, the splits, the fall, Sophie's Final Ride. She shook her head and started laughing.
"You didn't tell me?"
"It was a little embarrassing."
She scoffed, "Like it's the first time you ever fell."
"It was the first time I fell as a puppy pallbearer."
We both laughed. Then we both cried. Then we both laughed again.
This is obviously a small example. I'm also not saying all tragedies become funny with time. Just some of them. The original "Anaconda" from 1997 took itself very seriously. It's the kind of sincerity that can only result in an entertaining B-movie. The movie isn't great, but it's serviceable. It's what a lot of movies aren't anymore: fun. It's ridiculous for all the right reasons.
Afterwards, there were a couple of sequels. I'm pretty sure I saw the direct sequel. Clearly, it didn't make much of an impact as I can't remember much about it. But, that's about it. Never would I have been anticipating a sequel or a reboot. In the most cynical sense, I should have.
2025's "Anaconda" bends over backwards in order to exist. The main characters are buddies who always loved the original "Anaconda" film. Jack Black's character always wanted to be a filmmaker but has been relegated to making wedding videos. Rudd's character always wanted to be an actor but only does small roles in TV. One day, Rudd's character approaches Black's character and says that he bought the rights to "Anaconda" and they're going to the jungle to try filming it. While there, they encounter an actual anaconda and legitimate danger.
Instead of just being a direct remake/reboot, 2025's "Anaconda" goes the meta route. I get the instinct, I guess. I'm sure it was suggested that this would be a novel way to treat the subject matter. Unfortunately, it comes off as really forced. Black and Rudd are very talented and funny guys, but I feel they weren't reined in as performers. Say what you will about Peter Jackson's "King Kong", Black's performance in it was much better than I'm sure most expected. It's because Peter Jackson is Peter Jackson. I think sometimes when the stars are as famous as Black is, some directors might get a bit shy to tell him 'no'.
Rudd is the same way. Just this year, he was in "Friendship" with Tim Robinson. He actually appeared to be trying something different. In "Anaconda", he's just doing what we always expect of him. There's no real character here, you have zero empathy for him and you kinda wish he'd get his comeuppance, but because we need to have a homogenized, "all the people we like are safe" kind of movie, he has to survive.
As much as I think Daniela Melchior has a bright future ahead of her, she doesn't have a lot to do in this particular movie. Same goes with Thandiwe Newton. They're just kinda there. The plot with Melchior just deflates about two-thirds through the movie and, by the end, you realize that her entire plotline didn't affect the film in the long run. They added about 20 minutes to the film that was entirely superfluous.
I will say that Steve Zahn was consistently entertaining. I haven't seen him in a lot of things lately, but in this, he is always the funniest person in the scene. He doesn't try stealing attention away from any of the others because he just naturally takes focus away from them. I hope, if nothing else, people see him in this and cast him in more things.
By the time the movie ends, I only looked back at a few things that really entertained me and one of them was ruined in most of the trailers. I'd say it was a shame if I cared even a little bit about "Anaconda" as some sort of classic. It's really not. It was passable entertainment in 1997. The 2025 version doesn't have hope of being remembered even in a couple of years as anything besides a failure. There's nothing in it to make it good enough to be good and it's not entertaining enough to be a good B-movie.
You get the feeling the filmmakers believe they're being clever. It's like that guy that tells you a bad joke, nudges you to indicate a punchline and, when you don't laugh, he thinks it's because you don't understand it. In actuality, you do. You just can't bring yourself to laugh at the tragedy unfolding in front of you.
And, that kind of tragedy, even time won't help.
Anaconda (2025)
Directed by Tom Gormican
Cast: Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Steve Zahn, Thandiwe Newton, Daniela Melchior, Selton Mello, Ione Skye
Runtime: 99 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for violence/action, strong language, some drug use and suggestive references.
Rating (out of ****): *1/2
"Anaconda" (2025) is now streaming on Netflix.
