Write a commentBlame Blockbuster.
Prior to my employment at the Oswego, NY location, I was at Blockbuster on a regular basis. Many of the employees knew me by name; the others by reputation. I'm sure it will surprise no one that my reputation wasn't the best due to the fact I asked questions and had some level of quality control.
For those of you who remember DVDs, they weren't always the sturdiest. If you sneezed near one, it's entirely possible it would shatter into several pieces. I exaggerate, but many renters didn't consider the fragility. If you didn't rent a movie within the first week of release, it was entirely possible that the disc would have deep set scratches that would result in skipping or full freezing.
Many of the employees didn't care. They'd see me coming and immediately discount whatever comment I would make. One such issue was when I rented "Valentine" on DVD. About 9/10th of the way through the film, the disc skipped to the point where I couldn't watch it. I took it out of the player, wiped it down with a microfiber cloth and it was clear the scratches were pretty well into the disc.
When I brought it back to the store, a guy (we'll call him Ethan) was working. Ethan hated me in ways I didn't think possible. I knew I was annoying. I'd been called exactly that my entire life. But the degree to which this particular man despised me was ludicrous. You'd think I desecrated the grave of one of his loved ones. For the record, I did not.
I walked in, showing Ethan the disc. "Yeah, I wasn't able to finish the movie, it's scratched so badly."
Ethan looks at the disc for a moment before setting it down. He looks at me, annoyed. "You're not missing much."
"What do you mean?"
"The movie sucks."
"Do you have another copy?" I asked.
"You've had it for a day already," Ethan said. He was gearing up for something.
"I know. It's a five-day rental, right?"
"Doesn't matter. You're returning it and you watched the majority of the movie so you can't get another copy," Ethan said. A small "gotcha"-type smirk creeped across his lips.
"Oh. I don't want a different movie. I just was looking for another copy of the same movie."
Ethan nodded. "I know. You already used one day of your five day rental and you're returning it to me now so if you want another copy, you'll have to pay for another five days."
In situations like these, I automatically assume that I'm to blame for whatever miscommunication there is, but this was different. Ethan was getting some kind of sick pleasure out of all this.
"Can't you just swap out the discs with one of the other copies," I asked.
Ethan sighed deeply. "What part of 'no' don't you understand?"
Just then, the store manager arrived. We'll call him Marcus. Marcus had helped me in the past. He knew of how Ethan acted and allowed it because, well, Marcus was a pushover. A super nice guy, but a pushover.
Marcus came behind the counter, taking his coat off. Ethan stood up straight, looking over his shoulder. I said, "'What part of 'no' don't...' what?"
Marcus heard this, taking a step to the counter. Ethan laughed to himself. "You must have misheard me, sir. Please feel free to get another copy of this film and we'll swap it out for you."
I said, "Two minutes ago you were telling me that I couldn't swap it out because it was a bad movie and I already used up a day of my five day rental. When I asked you again, you asked me what part of 'no' don't I understand."
Ethan, through grit teeth, said, "Go pick out another copy, sir."
I nodded, walking back to the new release wall. There were no other copies of "Valentine". I walked back to the counter, asking Ethan if there were any other copies he could see in the system.
Ethan typed furiously and said, "Nope. The copy you have is the only copy."
"So, can I get a credit for this copy and rent something else," I asked.
Ethan looked over his shoulder, seeing Marcus staring him down. Ethan turned back to me, forcing a smile. "Sure, sir. Go pick...whatever you'd like."
I don't recall what I rented, but once I went to the counter, Marcus checked me out and I walked out of the building. As I walked to my vehicle, Ethan was staring at me, livid. For a while afterwards, I kept coming back, hoping that "Valentine" would be in stock. I never had any luck.
About a year or so later, I started working at that location. Ethan was still working there at the time. His disdain for me hadn't faded. He was a rotten person. Petty like you wouldn't believe. He was constantly sarcastic to the point of being mean and an enormous hypocrite.
One day, Ethan started in on me. Talking about how much of a pain I was as a customer and now I'm a pain as an employee. He said, "You never understood when to just shut up."
I said, "You still sore about "Valentine"? What was that? Two years ago?"
He smirked, shaking his head. "Oh, no. I got the better of you on that. You see, there was another copy of that piece of trash (he didn't actually say "trash") but I didn't tell you about it. Once it came back in, I damaged it out along with the one you brought back so you wouldn't be able to rent it."
"You damaged out a copy of a DVD that was perfectly functioning just to stop me from renting it?"
Ethan laughed dryly. "Well, it was perfectly functioning before I took a box cutter to the backside of it. Then I damaged them out. Now who's laughing?"
This dude destroyed copies of a 2001 slasher movie just because he disliked me so much. I almost respect his commitment.
To think, it may have been more punishment to allow me to watch the movie.
"Valentine" feels like it wants to be "Scream" in the worst way. It has the "hot" cast, it has murders. The plot is essentially a flimsy pretense to kill a bunch of people in (somewhat) creative ways. A group of friends bully some poor kid at a middle school dance. That kid grows up and wants to exact revenge on the group of girls and anyone else that stands in their way. More often than not, it strays into the "so bad, it's good" category. Much of the runtime volleys between overacting and boring stalking scenes. There's not a lot of originality and the drama (outside of the murders) is daytime TV levels of mediocre. It doesn't even look good. Many of the shots are overlit. There's no real tension. This is really just a bad movie.
But, my word, is it funny. And not funny the way it wants to be. There are moments in the movie where I think it's trying to comment on the dating scene of the time. You have to remember, the internet was a thing in 2001, but not the way it is now. So, back then, you still had to (gasp!) meet people in person. Sometimes, you would have to go through some duds first. Director Jamie Blanks (director of the far superior "Urban Legend") doesn't really seem to have a sense of what is supposed to be funny. The script is so broad at times that I started to second guess myself as to whether or not the film was trying to parody itself.
I don't think that is the case. Of the cast, I'd say the only person that really seems to be trying is Marley Shelton. She carries the movie. She seems to know the type of movie she's in and customizes her performance to that. I'm not saying this is a great performance by any stretch, but it's a month old M&M in a bowl full of tapeworm eggs. Denise Richards is truly horrendous. She doesn't seem like she wants to be there and puts zero emotion into any of her line readings. Same goes for David Boreanaz. Appropriately, "bore" is in his last name. He limps through every scene he has, rarely emoting the way you'd think someone should. The fact this guy had any kind of career is entirely baffling to me.
I want to make special mention of Fulvio Cecere. While I can't say he is even remotely a good actor, his character is the Rosetta Stone for the rest of the movie. He plays a completely incompetent detective who is too busy trying to hit on the main characters. Completely out of touch with reality. The detective is a fool, but Cecere plays him like he's Valentino or something. There's also a disturbing amount of mouth acting from Cecere. I don't know if this is an actual category of acting, but he's constantly tonguing the inside of his mouth during one scene. My sincerest suggestion is to watch that particular scene on an empty stomach.
So, how do you rate something like this? Do you rate it on an entertainment level purely or on a quality level? Quality-wise, this movie is not good. It's lazy, ugly, poorly written and acted. It's boring for long stretches. You got that detective dude doing mouth things. There are a lot of negatives. On that basis, the movie would be a one and a half or two star movie, and that's being generous.
But, you go to movies to be entertained and you have to meet movies where they are. As I've said similarly in previous reviews, I didn't go into "Valentine" expecting some modern classic. I expected schlock and that's what I got. I wish it was better paced. For a 96 minute movie with credits, it kinda drags. A lot of the runtime is devoted to bad drama or bad comedy. Many of the kills aren't all that interesting.
But there's something about it. Maybe it's nostalgia. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age. Who knows, really.
Maybe I miss sparring with Ethan and watching "Valentine" gives me the opportunity to look back fondly.
No, that's not it.
I don't really know what Ethan is up to these days. I know he has a wife and children, or at least he did last I knew. I like to imagine his kids are schlocky horror fans and ask him to watch "Valentine".
A guy can wish, can't he?
Valentine (2001)
Directed by Jamie Blanks
Cast: Marley Shelton, David Boreanaz, Denise Richards, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Daniel Cosgrove, Katherine Heigl, Fulvio Cecere
Runtime: 96 minutes
MPAA Rating: R (for strong horror violence, some sexuality and language)
Rating (out of ****): **1/2
"Valentine" is available on Tubi as well as to rent or buy on all major streaming platforms.
