Write a commentOne of my best friends is a functioning sadist, even if she would never admit it.
In the over 25 years that we've known each other, we've had our disagreements that have graduated into extended arguments over the course of weeks. We've given each other the silent treatment (she's much better at it than I am) and thrown around names at each other. On its surface, it could seem toxic, but we have kind of settled into that dynamic.
That's not to say she has some sort of mental hold on me. I can definitely say 'no' anytime I'd like to but many of our interactions almost seem fated to happen. We often disagree but we've been friends for so long so there's a long line of admiration and respect. I'd never admit this to her in person, of course.
For the sake of anonymity, we'll call her Carla. Carla knows that I have issues backing down from a challenge, especially when it comes to spicy foods. Somehow, I don't remember specifically, she came into possession of The Paqui One Chip Challenge. She messaged me one day, saying how she had it and wondered if I would want to do it. Admittedly, I am pretty stupid so I agreed to it. We settled on a Sunday of that week at her house.
I over-thought it, as I always overthink things. I decided not to eat that day on the off chance things went sideways. Of all the things I inherited from my father, his iron gut was not one of them. My father was a big fan of delicacies. You know, the things most people try once and swear it off. Those are the things my father would make a habit of eating almost exclusively, much to the dismay of everyone in the household. My stomach was fickle and certain things set it off. Long story short, the idea of me doing this challenge was likely to end in disaster.
I arrived at Carla's home. Besides Carla, her nephews were also home. We hung around and caught up for a bit. Part of my agreeing to the challenge was that Carla picked up a gallon of whole milk in case I needed it. She told me we were all set on that front. For those of you who are not familiar with this challenge, it's a single tortilla chip that was coated with some horrendous spices. The longer you lasted without a drink, the more pride you were supposed to have or something.
Bearing everything in mind, I decided to stand over the kitchen sink on the off chance things happened faster than expected. Carla opened the package, handing me the chip. Her nephews stood to my left, Carla to my right. I smelled the chip. It didn't even smell edible. It had this acrid chemical smell to it. I was already regretting my decision. Carla pulled her phone out, opening the timer app.
"How long do you think you'll last," she asked, barely containing her excitement.
I shook my head. "I have no clue. I can't imagine it's that bad."
This was what's known as "fluffing". My pride wouldn't allow me to admit I thought I was in trouble so I lied. With Carla knowing me for as long as she has, I'm certain she saw right through it.
Carla held her thumb above the start icon on her phone. "Ready?"
I nodded. Carla hit the button and I shoved the chip into my mouth. It was instantaneous pain. Every single taste bud lit on fire. I kept chewing and tried to swallow. All the while, Carla and her nephews were laughing. Carla specifically was doubled over, crying tears of joy. The tears I had in my eyes were not of joy, but of severe pain. I was only about 15 or so seconds in and I stopped caring about the challenge. My chief concern at this point was survival.
Reaching for the cabinet handle, I fumbled at it for a moment before yanking it open. I grabbed a glass and filled it with water. Water, as many of you know, is about the worst thing you can have when you've eaten something spicy. It essentially spreads the spice all around your mouth instead of neutralizing it.
The milk!
The fog in my brain caused by the nuclear bomb going off in my mouth temporarily lifted. I dumped out the water and turned to Carla, who was still laughing. I managed to utter, "Milk..."
Carla turns to the refrigerator, grabbing a gallon of milk. 2%. Not what I asked for. No matter. I needed something and water wasn't doing the trick. I upended the bottle, pouring out the cool liquid into the glass. My salvation was only moments away.
I set down the bottle and took the glass. I took two large sips before I realized the milk was sour. I spat it out immediately. "What's...the milk...sour..."
Carla, still doubled over, didn't seem to hear me. I looked at the milk bottle, searching for the expiration date. The "Best by" date was eight days prior.
"I thought you were going to buy new milk. That was...you were supposed to get whole milk. This is...what is wrong with you," I said, struggling.
Then it dawned on me. "You did this...on purpose."
Carla and her nephews all continued to laugh. This was all a set-up. My stomach began making all kinds of strange noises. The types of things you'd hear in a horror movie about cave dwelling creatures. Carla, through tears, said, "Oh. This hurts. I'm laughing...it hurts."
I said, "I hope it does. I hope it hurts." The pain was getting to me.
Carla has a simple rule when I'm around her nephews and that's for me not to swear. I stood over the sink, spitting into it. I looked at Carla, tears rolling down my cheeks. I said, "Can I swear? I know the kids are around."
"Boys, go in the other room and cover your ears."
After a moment of complaining, they complied. I turned to Carla, shaking my head and I cursed quietly under my breath.
This went on for about another 25 minutes. Eventually, I sat down and just tried to get my brain back to normal. Carla began making her nephews dinner. Chicken and cheese quesadillas. The chicken was from a can and, when she opened it, the smell hit me like a Mack truck. My stomach twisted into knots. Carla was still chuckling to herself as she flipped the quesadillas.
"You hungry? I can make you a couple."
I hadn't eaten all day besides the chip. I nodded.
Carla laughed, "You want some hot sauce for them?"
"I'm going to throw you into a snowbank."
Carla laughed, preparing two more quesadillas. Once they were cooked, she handed them to me on a plate. Something about them hit the spot. I still wasn't completely back to normal but I was finally feeling like I wasn't going to die. After a few moments, Carla asked if there was anything else I wanted. She offered hamburgers that were out of her freezer. I nodded, taking a sip of ice water and holding it in my mouth.
Instead of grilling the burgers, Carla put two on a plate and threw them into a microwave. After the timer went off, she brought the plate over to me. On top of one of the patties was a puddle of grease water. The smell wafted into my nostrils, acting as the catalyst to my latest bout of queasiness. I set the plate down, cutting a portion of one of the patties with my knife and I took a bite. I chewed, swallowed.
That piece of microwaved, wet meat landed in my stomach and felt like a rock hitting stagnant swamp water. Carla told me later that I went pale right before I ran for her back deck door.
One thing I failed to mention is that Carla, at the time, had four dogs. Each of these dogs loved going outside and anytime someone even looked towards a door, they'd bolt for it. Once I knew I was going to be sick and I rushed for the door, all four dogs ran with me, blocking my way. Jumping on one another.
I yelled, "Unless you idiots want to get puked on, get out of my way!"
I fumbled with the lock on the door before finally sliding it open. I walked onto the deck and began to vomit. I'm not a quiet vomiter, especially when my body is clearly rejecting what I ate. When I went on Carla's deck, the expelling of the contents of my stomach was preceded by something of a primal scream. When I say "scream", that's what I mean. Not a manly yell.
I mention this because, after retching a few times, some of Carla's neighbors came out on their back porches to find out what was going on. A few of them thought a woman was being attacked. I had to explain to them, between vomit sessions, that it was just me. A few of them didn't believe me until they saw I was the only one in the yard aside from the dogs.
Speaking of the dogs, they became very curious about what all the noise was. A couple of them began to sniff near what I had vomited out. Anyone that knows anything about dogs and spicy food knows that if they were to possibly consume anything spicy, it's likely they would be hospitalized or die. So, while I was puking and being checked in on by Carla's neighbors, I also had to play defense against the dogs potentially helping themselves to my leftovers.
After I finished, I turned around to see Carla on the other side of the glass door. She had one hand on the glass and she was looking at the ground. Due to the fact the door was shut, I couldn't really hear her. When she looked up at me, a brand new set of tears were in her eyes. She had been laughing the whole time.
Carla is Lucy and I'm Charlie Brown. No matter what, I always run full speed at that football.
Similarly, I get tricked by specific horror content. When I heard they were rebooting Scream, I was mildly excited. Excited because it was another entry in one of my favorite franchises, hesitant because many of the crew members from the first four films would not be involved. Wes Craven died in 2015, Williamson wasn't involved with the script. It could very well be an enormous mess. But, I had to run at that football.
Following the trend of other horror reboots, the 2022 film is simply named Scream. We meet Tara Carpenter (Ortega). She's alone in her house and gets the Casey Becker treatment. The twist this time is that she survives the attack. We're then introduced to Sam (Barrera), Tara's older sister and Richie (Quaid), Sam's boyfriend. Sam gets a phone call, informing her that Tara has been attacked by someone in a Ghostface mask. Sam, along with Richie, heads to Woodsboro to uncover the newest mystery. Along the way, she seeks out advice from an older, wiser Dewey (Arquette) in order to determine who is behind the latest run of killings.
-----------------------------SPOILERS AHEAD------------------------------
In many ways, Scream (2022) has more similarities with The Force Awakens than most other films in the Scream franchise. We are introduced to a new cast of characters with a "strong female lead" who seeks the help of a character from the original franchise who ultimately gets murdered. When broken down, Scream (2022) doesn't break a lot of new ground.
As I've mentioned in other reviews, Jenna Ortega is one of the brightest stars of her generation. Prior to this film, I had seen her in a few things, but she really comes into her own. She's the most interesting character. As much as Barrera is a talented performer, she makes a lot of strange choices. Essentially, she's supposed to be this reboot's Sidney. The added twist to her character is she is haunted by visions of Billy Loomis (Ulrich). We find out that Sam is Billy's illegitimate daughter. In this film, Barrera adopts a pretty flat affect throughout. Many of her deliveries lack the emotional depths that Neve Campbell hit in the first film. It is a shame because the idea of her being Billy's daughter is a fun one.
The biggest issue with this film is the clumsy juggling of the legacy cast with the new cast. Dewey fits in as he is part of the plot. Gale makes some sense as she is always running after a story. Sidney's motivations don't make a whole lot of sense. When we first see her, she's running with a baby carriage. She's clearly happy and has moved on with her life. While, yes, Dewey and Gale are friends of her's, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense that she would come back after Dewey is killed.
And that, to me, is this film's biggest flaw. Dewey's death. Anyone who has seen any of the previous entries knows that Dewey has escaped death many times. As a matter of fact, it seems as though writer Williamson and director Craven saw him as always surviving. Kind of like he just had dumb luck. Dewey always bounced back and survived. With the changing of the directors and writers, I think they saw an opportunity to "make an impact". For proof, look no further than when one of the killers states that Dewey had to die because "...our movie has stakes!" This sounds like the writers taking a victory lap for this decision as opposed to it being necessary for the story.
When the killers are revealed, Dewey's death makes even less sense. At the time, Dewey is throwing himself in harm's way (as he always does), trying to protect Sam, Tara and Richie while Ghostface attacks them. We find out later that the killers are Richie and Amber (Madison). Richie was there so it had to have been Amber in the mask, doing the attacking. The actress portraying Amber is 5'3"; Arquette is 5'10". There is no possible way that a person her size could have picked up a person Arquette's size. No way, no how. It's a small detail, but it annoyed me to no end.
Furthermore, Dewey's final act is to shoot Ghostface in the head, as has become the rule in the franchise. Just as he's about to, his phone rings and he gets distracted. Given that this guy has avoided death for four other films prior to this, I can't imagine he would get distracted by something like that, especially at such a time. It seems like a very cheap reason for him to be killed and the idea screams (pun intended) desperation on the screenwriter's part to be relevant instead of being necessary to the plot.
In the years since, many people have cited the sequence leading up to Wes' murder to be something of a masterwork. I have to disagree. The entire thing is fakeouts and it's incredibly boring. When Craven was at the helm, he would find a way to squeeze every last drop of tension out of a scene to play with the audience. This sequence with the character of his namesake barely registers. When Ghostface surprises Wes and stabs him in the neck, it's the punchline to an overlong joke.
The film also seems to be scared to skewer popular horror. When Mindy (Brown) starts to deconstruct modern horror in ways that her uncle Randy did in the past, the film stops dead to mention how great Jordan Peele is. While I agree, it seems like a wasted opportunity. When the original Scream referenced horror films, they had an immense respect for what was mentioned. There were even several potshots taken at some of Craven's own filmography. It's the kind of joking that happens among friends. In this scene, and a few others, any mention of a film that is seen as popular now is idolized. Peele shouldn't be immune from criticism, nor should anyone else. It shows a bit of cowardice on the part of the filmmakers.
Quaid is a highlight. Throughout the film, he is seen as the doting boyfriend. Dewey throws some suspicion his way as being a suspect, but Sam doesn't seem to suspect him. After he is revealed to be one of the killers, he seems to be channeling Stu Macher as far as energy goes. He's unhinged and goofy. While he doesn't reach the heights of Lillard's performance, he's trying and that definitely counts.
Another thing that doesn't exactly wash by the end. I mentioned previously how Amber goes on to speak about how their killings had stakes or whatever, right? By the end of the movie, a bunch of people survive. It's as though the filmmakers got gun shy about permanently ending these characters and brought them all back by the end. During the ending scene, Sam, Tara, Mindy, Chad, Sidney and Gale are all alive. The filmmakers left almost as many people alive as they killed off. They needed strength in their convictions for this movie to sing properly.
--------------------SPOILERS END-----------------------------
In the end, I still go back to Scream (2022) every so often. I definitely don't watch it as much as the other films of the franchise, but it does in a pinch. It still ranks below all the previous four entries in my opinion by lack of technical skill alone. There are some pretty effective sequences here or there, but a lot of it felt like they were cribbing off a better filmmaker. Because, you know, they were. Had this film focused more on the new cast than the original, it would have likely been a bit smoother.
When it comes to the Scream franchise, I'll always sprint towards it, even if sometimes, I ultimately fall on my back embarrassed.
If anyone has any ideas on how I can get back at Carla, I'm sure there's some kind of email address you can send them to. Any and all advice is welcomed.
Side note: The Pacqui One Chip Challenge was discontinued shortly after I tried it out. Apparently, people were getting sick like I did and worse. When I informed Carla of this information via text, she sent back an extended sequence of haha's. With friends like these...
Scream (2022)
Directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett (AKA 'Radio Silence')
Cast: Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Melissa Barrera, Jenna Ortega, Jack Quaid, Jasmin Savoy Brown, Mason Gooding, Mikey Madison, Dylan Minnette, Sonia Ammar, Kyle Gallner, Marley Shelton, Heather Matarazzo, Chester Tam, Reggie Conquest, Skeet Ulrich, Roger Jackson
Runtime: 114 minutes
MPAA Rating: R (for strong bloody violence, language throughout and some sexual references)
Rating (out of ****): **1/2
Scream (2022) is available on Paramount+ with a subscription as well as on all streaming platforms to rent or buy. It is also available on 4K Blu-Ray.
