Write a commentThe word "phlebotomist" wasn't in my vocabulary until I began hanging out regularly with "Helen".
No. Of course Helen isn't her real name, but it's as close as you're going to get. Despite the fact these events happened over 16 years ago, Helen may peruse online movie reviews, see her actual name and professionally desanguinate me. Incidentally, "desanguinate" was also absent from my vocabulary up until around this time because I had a similar fear.
Helen and I are from Oswego. While we were in the same elementary, middle and high school, we never really spoke much. She was pretty and somewhat popular; I wasn't either of those things. We ran in entirely different circles.
Cut to summer of 2009.
I was prop hunting for a play I wrote and was performing in Rochester. I needed a bed and due to the fact I didn't want to lug a mattress about 90 minutes away, my mother spoke to a coworker about borrowing an inflatable mattress. This coworker was Helen's mother. Helen's mother was more than happy to help.
The play went pretty well. We didn't get that many people to show up for it, but it was cool to perform in front of less people in a way because it made it feel more real oddly. After the second to last show, Helen and her mother showed up. Helen had a bottle of champagne and a card to give me.
This random gesture precipitated a few exchanged texts, phone calls and, eventually, we went on a couple of honest-to-goodness dates. Trust me, I wasn't expecting it either. One evening, the two of us were watching television when I asked her if she wanted to make it "official". She hemmed and hawed about it, but she said we would have to go on an "actual date".
"I thought we have," I said.
She said, "Those didn't count because you didn't ask me."
I said, "I asked if you wanted to hang out."
"Yeah, but you didn't ask me on a date. Plus, you didn't pick me up."
"What? You have your own car," I said, confused.
Helen rolled her eyes. "Adam, for it to be a date, you have to ask me, I get to pick the restaurant and the movie, you pick me up and you pay for everything."
"I have been paying for everything, haven't I?"
"Well, yeah, but like, you need to just do it. I shouldn't have to ask you."
"You've never asked me to pay. I usually take the bill before you can even see it."
Helen sighed deeply. "Adam, every movie we've watched has been something you chose. I get to choose. And we get to see it in a theater."
I smiled. "Okay, pick a day."
She smiled back. "Okay."
A few days passed and she asked my schedule. I was working in Clay at the time. I was working until 2:30 and then I had the following day off. She said, "Perfect. We're going to go see Love Happens."
Now, I'm not sure if you, dear reader, have been able to tell but I am usually pretty good at knowing about movies. This thing that Helen was so adamant about seeing, I'd never heard of. I put her on speaker and looked up the movie on my phone as she spoke. Jennifer Aniston, Aaron Eckhart. Romance.
"I know you think you're a tough guy because you watch all those horror movies and probably don't want to see a romance movie, but..."
"...'Tough guy'? Since when..."
Helen didn't skip a beat. "...we're seeing this because I want to. And it looks super good. So, you get out of work at 2:30, you'll drive back to Oswego, pick me up and we'll go to the movie, to Chili's and then you have to drive me home."
"Oh, yeah. I work until 2:30. Why don't you just meet me in Clay?"
Silence.
Then: "Because it's not a date if you don't pick me up in your car. Oh, and you have to get out of the car while it's still running and open the door for me. And then when we get to the movies, you have to buy me whatever I want. Like popcorn, soda, candy. You can't say 'no' because, if you do, that's not a date."
The day arrived. I went through my entire shift, getting out at 2:30. I got home, took a quick shower and then picked her up, making sure to meet all her expectations. We got to the Regal Cinema in Great Northern Mall. I bought the tickets and we went to concession. She ended up getting a large popcorn, large soda and four different boxes of candy. My one and only hope of getting out of this evening cheaply was if she slipped into a diabetic coma brought on by her voracious candy consumption.
We get inside, sit in the back and then Helen just starts talking. And she doesn't stop. I was trying to be a good sport about it. It could be worse, right? On a date with a pretty girl high on sugar. But, I didn't have the first clue what was going on in the movie. Helen's comments weren't really about the plot. More like, "Oh, I like that person" or "That actress is ugly".
When we got in the car to go to Chili's, she asked me what I thought of the movie. I tried cobbling together an opinion based on what little I gleaned in between her commentary. Helen said, "Uh, were you even paying attention? You probably didn't like it because it was a chick flick. Ugh, you're so frustrating."
It probably comes as no surprise but Helen and I didn't remain in contact.
There's a thruline of ignorance that comes with people not liking certain things based on something arbitrary. The term "chick flick" seems like a pejorative, probably created by some Dude's Dude who believed his manhood was impugned simply by being in the same vicinity as one playing. The bottom of the barrel of these "chick flicks" would probably be something you'd find on either Hallmark or Lifetime. But, I've heard people refer to any black and white movie as a chick flick. Ignorance isn't always bliss.
So, when I heard about You, Me & Tuscany, I had my reservations. It's not the kind of movie I would make a point to see, especially in the theater. It seemed more like something to catch on streaming when it became available. To my surprise, it wasn't wholly awful.
Anna (Bailey) is down on her luck and is not living the life she wants. Enter Matteo (de Moor). She meets him one night by chance. He tells her about this villa that he owns in Tuscany, but no one lives there. He tells her she should live her dreams. So, she decides to go to Tuscany. After some trouble finding lodging, she decides to break into Matteo's house while he's not there and stay there for her trip. However, the next day, Matteo's family finds her, mistaking her for Matteo's fiance. All the while, Michael (Page) begins to fall for her.
When I say this isn't wholly awful, that's not a high compliment. The plot and writing are pretty bad and some of the shots look like very rudimentary green screen. It's the lead performances that sell the film. Thankfully Bailey and Page, along with their supporting cast, are up to the task. I'm not saying that either of their performances, nor any of the supporting cast members, turn in anything award worthy.
What works is the charm and chemistry of the leads. They definitely need some better material. This is the first thing I've seen Bailey in. The performance is light enough on its feet that you can (almost) excuse the terrible writing. Bailey's chemistry with Page is palpable, but the entire time, you're just wishing that the screenplay took any chances.
Pretty much from the get-go, you kinda know where the movie is going. It's extremely predictable. Even the second act conflict gets resolved relatively easily. In order for the film to end with Bailey and Page together, they have to make de Moor's character a jerk of some kind. This jerkish behavior lasts only as long as the film requires him to act like a jerk and then he's back to being the affable third lead. As soon as he's back to being likable, even his family forgives him. Why? Because they're Italian, I guess.
I don't know about you guys but I grew up in an Italian family. Italians can hold grudges just like any other ethnicity. The fact that Matteo's family just shrugs off what he did seemed overly convenient, even for a film such as this. I'm not saying we need to get into any kind of drawn out sprawling drama to fix the family dynamic, but maybe something.
Because the film is so predictable, it's not very exciting. There's no real suspense that the two of them might not get together at the end. We're just kinda waiting. The best romance films show you the ins and outs of a relationship. What works, what doesn't, how the couples get through the trials and tribulations. You, Me & Tuscany features a character lying about an engagement after breaking into a stranger's house and all is forgiven pretty quickly.
Throughout the film, I just kept adding up the list of criminal charges the lead racks up. Also, in these kinds of movies, I try to think if the genders were reversed. If some random dude traveled across the ocean and broke into a girl's house then lied about being married, I don't think things would have worked out nearly as well. Also, you gotta think too if this girl that broke into the house didn't look like Halle Bailey, would the family have been so forgiving? I don't know, but it would have made a much more interesting movie.
On the scale from "chick flick" to well-done romance, You, Me & Tuscany is comfortably in the middle. It's inoffensive (for the most part) and seeing Tuscany is a treat. Just don't look for anything too deep. It seems like something Helen might like.
I know one thing anyway: Helen wasn't at our screening. I know this because no one was talking through it. I better watch what I'm saying. She is a professional blood taker and I need my blood.
You, Me & Tuscany
Directed by Kat Coiro
Cast: Halley Bailey, Regé-Jean Page, Lorenzo de Moor, Isabella Ferrari, Stefania Casini, Paolo Sassanelli
Runtime: 104 minutes
MPAA Rating: PG-13 (for some strong language and sexual material)
Rating (out of ****): **
You, Me & Tuscany is currently in theaters.
